There was a time when I was helping teach social psychology at a local university, and our topic was how the ego works over time to project its filter onto the world. So, at the beginning of class, I placed a little speck of paper on the lens—not the screen—of the projector. As I started class, I pretended to suddenly notice an object up on the screen that was blocking and distorting a clear view. Without pointing to the screen, I asked a couple of students, “Could you go up and make sure we have a better view of the work and make sure that projection is clearly coming through? It looks like there’s something that is blotting out part of the screen.”

I did this experiment multiple times with several groups, and each time the students would immediately go to the screen to see what was there, when, in fact, the little piece of paper I had planted was on the lens of the projector. It took a while for people to figure out that it was the lens, and not the screen, that was obstructing the view.

The lesson in all of this is that most of the time when the life we’re living feels stressful—when what we’re experiencing in our lives is disturbing our peace—it is not necessarily reality. It’s not the screen that needs to be fixed or cleaned up; it’s actually the lens with which you’re viewing the situation. This is more than just positive thinking; it’s getting clear about the facts so that you can separate your self-imposed stress and suffering from your reality.

Your ego is not your amigo.

Your ego is a filter on the world. It’s constantly narrating your reality, and if you believe everything you think, you’ll perceive a very distorted view of it. The ego distorts your world by acting like a pair of glasses with the wrong prescription. So, instead of having a quality view of reality, the ego is always filtering and warping your circumstances, creating thoughts that our bosses are incompetent, our co-workers are lazy and toxic cultures are preventing our success. The behaviors and actions you take as a result of these thoughts are based on corrupted data.

One of the best things that you can do after you become aware of this filter is to question your thoughts and make a choice as to whether you should believe the narrator in your mind. While the ego is working hard to paint us as a victim of our circumstances, trying to assure us success would come if only those circumstances were different, there are ways to bypass the ego and stand out as a true leader.

Here are three ways to refocus for success:

1. Separate your stress from your reality.

One of the most priceless things that’s ever happened to me was noticing that I am not that voice inside my head, and that the ego is different than the confidence required to fuel my abilities. Once you discover the difference between ego and confidence, you too can start to tune in and listen to what that ego narrator is saying, giving you the most wonderful choice in the world: whether or not to believe the information it’s giving you. That’s where incredible freedom comes from.

2. Know that your success and happiness is not dependent on your circumstances.

When you wake up in the morning, you probably don’t say, Let me start thinking. Instead, you wake up already inundated with thoughts—often frustrating ones—about your abilities, your workday and any circumstances you feel are getting in your way. To achieve higher levels of success, you must accept the core belief that your circumstances are not the reason you can’t succeed; they are the reality in which you must succeed.

3. Edit your story.

Before you question all your thoughts, stop to ask, What do I know for sure? or What are the facts? This allows you to exercise mental flexibility. When I take my ego’s word for it, there’s only one distorted explanation for why things happen to me. Mental flexibility allows me to get clear about the facts and consider that things happen for the greater good. Given what I know for sure, I can come up with 100 different ways why this could be happening, each of which will potentially benefit me. In short, mental flexibility empowers you to step into the power you already have.

Are you ready for more happiness and success at work? Here’s an assignment for self-reflection: Close your eyes for a minute and really take the time to tune into that voice in your head. It has a whole storyline, whether it be that your culture is toxic, that you’re the only one that does everything at the office or that your life would be better if you just had just a different boss, co-workers or clients. Challenge yourself to get clear about what you know for sure. Write down only the facts you hear on a piece of paper. That’s your reality. Now you can ask, Why am I stressed and suffering? It’s often due to the stories we’ve made up about our reality.

Our value as employees and leaders is not what we can deliver in perfect circumstances with a perfect boss or impeccable co-workers. Our value is distinguished by how quickly we can accept the reality of our situation, say yes to what’s next and contribute amazing results in less than perfect circumstances.

This article was published in December 2017 and has been updated. Photo by andresr/IStock

The post 3 Reflective Ways to Refocus Your Thinking for Success appeared first on SUCCESS.

So as a lover of reality, I began the campaign to eradicate the following clichés and limiting beliefs that we in leadership have come to believe and, worse yet, actually use:

Limiting belief No. 1: Everyone’s opinion should count.

Human resources departments have always tried to make employees feel as if their opinions counted. After all, this is America, and democracy is a good thing, right? Well, not at work—especially if you’re seeking results. Your workplace is not a democracy. Employees who want to be consulted on each and every decision create chaos in the organization.

Can you imagine what the morning commute would be like if each person took the time to discuss their opinions of whether or not stop signs were needed? Instead, they just stop—not feeling at all offended that they were not consulted—and then drive on. We need the same behavior in the workplace so that we can stop hindering progress and move on to results.

Limiting belief No. 2: There is no “I” in “team.”

I often hear leaders reminding their teams, “There is no ‘I’ in ‘team.’” And the way I see it, this is the exact problem with teams. With no “I” in “team,” leaders are ensuring that no one is taking accountability for their part in creating the current results and are, therefore, not in a position to create anything more successful in the future.

There may not be an “I” in the word “team,” but there certainly is an “I” in “improvement” and “innovation.” Reality-based leaders spend time focusing the energy of the team on either achieving the desired results in spite of challenges or learning what to adapt so that the desired results can be achieved. Learning and results will only come when each team member is able to honestly assess what they contribute, both positive and negative, without considering the circumstances. Only by acknowledging this can they know what needs to change in the future.

Limiting belief No. 3: There is no such thing as a stupid question.

Leaders must stop allowing employees to pull them away from their main roles with questions such as, “Why do things keep changing?,” “Why doesn’t anyone tell me anything?” or “Who thought of this?”

In essence, these questions are not productive, and here’s why:

• Even if you could speculate an answer, it adds no value to the situation.
• They all imply blame.
• They fly in the face of personal accountability as a concept.
• They are focused on other people who are outside of the control of the employee.

Instead, help employees ask better, more productive questions such as, “How can I get the information I need?” or “How can I help support the idea?”

Limiting belief No. 4: Don’t come to me with an issue without a solution.

I cringe when a leader recites the familiar and worn-out philosophy, “Don’t bring me a problem without also coming armed with a solution!” I know the motive is to prevent employees from whining and to encourage their willingness to help fix the issues at hand, but if this were the case, wouldn’t it be more direct to tell people, “Stop whining and start helping?”

Insisting that those who identify an issue must also be the ones who single-handedly recommend a workable solution is asking the impossible in today’s complex team environment. If employees could resolve the issue, they would have. We need employees to raise issues and teams of personally-accountable people to help solve them.

Limiting belief No. 5: Great results can only come from perfect plans.

Whether a plan is your own or comes from another level of leadership, it will always entail a certain amount of risk. There are no perfect plans or decisions—all have one or many downsides. It is a poor use of your time to try and perfect a plan that will never be faultless. The highest use of your team’s talent and energy is to implement the plan with excellence, using talent to mitigate risks and succeed in spite of the challenges. Great teams can implement average plans as long as they commit to doing whatever it takes to get results.

This article was published in December 2015 and has been updated. Photo by

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I love the little word “and.”

These three simple letters strung together are a superpower. Liberation from polarity, poor choices and victimhood is found in the word “and.” This little word eliminates helplessness, expands your mind and opens the heart. It connotes endless possibility, which sparks creativity and fuels innovation. It’s the quickest possible fix to the stickiest of dilemmas, providing instant reframes and fast relief from judgment and suffering.

“And” can be represented by a singular symbol—an ampersand, a plus sign. Yet like a single cell, it can grow into something large, complex and beautiful. This word is much more than adding one thing to another. “And” doesn’t just acknowledge two or more different sides, it instantly elevates thinking. It allows me to see beyond the tree into the forest, the mountains, the sky and the universe. “And” helps me transcend the pain inherent in duality; it gives permission to acknowledge paradox and plot twists. It shows me the way to do hard things.

Wow. Who wouldn’t want to keep this singular, supercharged word at the ready?

Many things can be true at the same time

Understanding the multiple ways that seemingly contradictory things can be true at once is one of the keys to contentment. Using “and” is a way to remove the self-imposed blinders of a narrowed view. If you can sit with this concept, really meditate on it, you’ll find rapid access to compassion and develop a higher tolerance for the world’s messiness.

The mind, which evolved to emphasize survival, tends to default to an “either/or” perspective, which shuts down possibilities and limits the fullness of life. Yet we choose this perspective again and again. Why? Because the ego loves safety and certainty and chooses those qualities over accuracy—and definitely over complexity.

The primitive “either/or” solution to cognitive dissonance is an obstacle to connecting, meaning and wholehearted living—the very things we crave. To live fully in the mess, we need to become skilled at paradoxical thinking and develop the ability to hold space for multiple things to be true at the same time. We need to learn to get comfortable with the uneasiness caused by cognitive dissonance, which appeals to our survival instinct and puts the ego on red alert. With practice, we can thwart the ego’s goal to feel better by overriding the “either/or” thinking habit.

Trying to force this beautiful, complex world into the prison of a two-dimensional, diametric space will inevitably lead to long-term suffering. When we evolve to live with the discomfort cognitive dissonance can create, infinite possibilities appear. That’s why I love “and.” It helps relieve the stress of cognitive dissonance and allows for a richer experience.

Open hearts and minds

Another way we get boxed in is by insisting on simplicity when it comes to emotion. “And” gives us permission to “feel all our feels,” with a nod to the web of complex and seemingly contradictory emotions we often experience at the same time. All are worth honoring.

     In the last year or so, I’ve been starting meetings and conversations with folks by asking them to name two things they’re feeling in the moment. The expansiveness of the answers I hear has been illuminating. I hear things like, “I’m feeling anxious about the future and also excited about what’s possible.” This allowance for experiencing and embracing many emotions at the same time makes space for creativity and signals an openness to new ideas. When people open their hearts, their minds often expand as well.

Heart opening

The ability to integrate many emotions at the same time opens you up to a multidimensional life where your whole reality isn’t defined by a single feeling. When you realize that emotions come rapidly and eventually ebb, you don’t have to be afraid to feel them in the moment.

It’s a trap to think we can only feel one emotion at a time, and it can lead to faulty decisions. If I miss my former husband, does that mean I made a mistake in leaving? If I’m feeling joy and relief in the wake of a painful divorce, does it mean that I didn’t love him? Of course not. I can miss him, love him AND recognize it was the right decision for me to leave. Feelings aren’t right or wrong. They’re just… feelings. Catch them and release them. It’s not only okay to have many different feelings, it’s absolutely natural. It’s human. “And” helps you recognize that.

“And” fosters self-acceptance

The word “and” is also useful for depersonalizing feedback. Just because someone has given you data about how you’re perceived in the world doesn’t mean it has to define who you are. Humans are complex, multifaceted beings—sometimes we’re kind, and sometimes we’re cruel. You can be great at money management and also capable of careless spending. You can be a loving parent and find yourself snapping at the kids.

By remembering that feedback doesn’t define who you are, it’s easier to scale back on defensiveness. Maybe you can make space for the possibility that the data you’ve been given is real, residing among your virtues and your shadows. Relating to information in this way can increase self-compassion and acceptance.

When you’re feeling on the ropes, try swapping “but” with “and.” Feel the shift.

• I messed up, but and I can try to make it up.
• I am disappointed about your choice, but and I love you.
• I understand your point, but and I have a different perspective than you do.
• I am doing my best, but and I can try harder.

“And” is a way to create a fuller, more authentic view of ourselves and others. It becomes less necessary to strive to be more kind—you become more kind. Using “and” can instantly open your heart to compassion and help you to see people in a new light. Next time you find yourself irritated with someone, or assigning them a label, try on the word “and.” It immediately widens your perspective.

Create safety while calling others to greatness

The word “and” can help people talk about tough topics and ultimately do hard things together. It’s one of the ways I have learned to create safety for others while calling them up to greatness. “And” helps you stay in a relationship with someone as you co-create a better future. It makes room for the human condition of growing and evolving and yes, even regressing at times.

“And” is a way to reassure and request something different. Its use keeps compassion as a foundation in conversations that call out behavior that might be undesirable or in need of changing without calling into question that someone is human and loveable.

Expanding your thinking

If a dilemma is viewed in polarity or mutual exclusivity, innovation is killed, scarcity is invoked and hope for inventive solutions is lost. Which side are you on? Which camp are you in?

Who decided the world was divided into two camps? I believe in one camp—the human camp. I want to be on the side that takes into account everyone on the planet. The world is abundant. The ego would like you to think otherwise, and it shows up big and bold in challenging times that require problem solving.

Sometimes in meetings with my staff, I respond to a seemingly tough choice between two unpreferred options with the question, “Where’s the ‘and’ here?”

“And” also can be an antidote to something I call “bundling.” To preemptively build a case for the status quo, my ego bundles my support of an idea with the burden of having to do all the work to make it successful. 

“And” to the rescue. I combine “yes” plus “and,” which opens me to possibilities without feeling like I have to take them all on. We can dream together expansively without the worry that it will be my responsibility to make your dream come true.

In today’s world, my superpower word has never been more important. “And” is code for “I am pretty sure I don’t know everything.” I might not be able to have it all, but I can embrace everything as true and possible. Cognitive dissonance doesn’t have to shrink the possibilities. It can usher in a greater tolerance for living in the mess.

Knowing and accepting that many things are true at the same time makes living in the mess a lot more peaceful. If you allow “and” to roll up its sleeves and get to work, this sweet little word will usher in an evolved and expansive perspective of the world.

This excerpt of Life’s Messy, Live Happy was reprinted with permission. Photo by @danielacuevascastillo/Twenty20

The post The Power of “And” Can Help You Embrace the Complicated Nature of People appeared first on SUCCESS.

Related: Stop Making Excuses for Who and Where You Are​

Take me and my desire to lose weight, for example. After a few months of seemingly doing whatever I could to make the numbers on the scale budge, I was seeing little results. In fact, I started wholeheartedly believing I had a thyroid problem. When I went to my doctor, he ran a series of tests and shared with me the great news: My thyroid was perfectly healthy, a bit overactive actually! He was thrilled, I was devastated. You see, the reality is that I had told myself a story, believing I had done everything I could to lose weight. In reality, as my doctor helped me accurately account for my habits, I realized that I was only making half-hearted attempts. I was consistently dieting from morning until afternoon. After 3 p.m., though, I wasn’t so accountable to my goal, but I looked to attribute it to a medical problem. A lot of us live our lives the same way. We cite external reasons as to why we can’t succeed and believe our own stories that our half-hearted attempts to get results were real. 

Learned helplessness causes us to fall into the belief that external circumstances hold us back from success, that everyone or everything else is at fault, and more importantly, that there’s no way to overcome it. It correlates to your team’s engagement because if they see their circumstances through their ego, they can’t see how they can make an impact.

I’m not talking about healthy self-confidence. I’m talking about the ego that works like a pair of glasses with the wrong prescription. It skews reality and causes our teams to move away from the actual facts of a situation, assigning motive, making assumptions and overwriting reality with a mental story. It drops us into the role of the victim, giving someone or something else all the power. Over time, this habit of thought calcifies into a set of powerless and helpless behaviors, in which people hold themselves back more effectively than any external circumstance or person ever could. When people hold the belief that they don’t have an impact, they disengage.

Learned helplessness is symbolized by battle fatigue, that moment when we encounter yet another obstacle and believe, This issue just never goes away and there is really nothing we can do about it. We just need to learn to live with it. Humans may not be rational, but they are predictable. People will take a limitation from the external environment, internalize it, exaggerate it and bolster it in their imaginations until they’ve shackled themselves. They tell themselves a story about what’s possible and impossible, and that story dictates their effort.

Step Into the Power You Already Have

For some time, the conventional leadership wisdom has been that we need to listen idly to the complaints of unhappy employees, that leaders need to work on providing employees with optimal working circumstances so they feel empowered and engaged. The conventional wisdom has led leaders to cultivate an entitled workforce, not an accountable one, which is what actually leads to engagement.

If you encourage people to cite their circumstances as the reasons they can’t succeed and make excuses for their lack of results, you encourage learned helplessness and the victim mentality that goes with it. You allow people to believe, in essence, “We cannot do our best work in sub-optimal circumstances, and we are not 100 percent personally responsible for our results.” In the reality of daily work, our teams will operate with a less-than-perfect plan, imperfect clients and less-than-desired resources. Our roles as leaders is to help them step into the power they already have, which is using their skills, talents and abilities to fill the gap that exists between reality and perfect circumstances.

Questions to Spur Self-Reflection

If someone comes to you in a state of learned helplessness, seeing only lack and impossibility, the best action you can take is to interrupt their thinking and help him or her get to the bottom of the “story.” It is the role of the modern leader to coach a new mindset—that the stories we tell ourselves are the sources of most of our suffering, and any stressful thought we have is most likely untrue.

Here are two great questions you can ask to bring your team back to reality:

1. What do we know for sure?

The first question to overcome a powerless mindset is, “What do we know for sure?” Listen for the facts. Repeat the facts you heard and ask if that’s pretty much what is known for sure. Then ask a quick follow-up question to inspire action: “What can you do to help?”

2. What would great look like?

One of my favorite questions to stop venting in its tracks is, “What would great look like right now (for the client, your team, your project)?” This flips the switch from thinking as a victim to generating an empowering and accountable action plan. People can usually answer this question because everyone knows what great looks like; it’s the basis on which we judge others. For example, when your morning coffee line isn’t moving fast enough to make it to work on time, we can always describe what great would look like (i.e., they need more help, more registers, a better process, etc). Your people know and can describe to you what great looks like, and so I say, “Awesome. Now, go be great.”

These questions work because they help us move beyond the skewed filter of our ego and spur self-reflection. And self-reflection is the foundation of personal accountability. As leaders, we can eradicate learned helplessness by waking up those who have fallen asleep to the story of the ego that they are powerless and can’t have any impact. Instead of seeking to fix and perfect your team’s circumstances, transform their mindsets to live skillfully in any reality. Imagine the power your team will have when they develop the skills to succeed in spite of any circumstances that come their way. What a powerful way to immediately turn excuses into results.

Related: If You Want to Change Your Results, You Have to Change Your Thinking First​

The post How to Turn Excuses Into Results appeared first on SUCCESS.

Related: Dear Boss: 8 Things I Want You to Know (But Won’t Tell You)

My advice redirects the energy and focus from the boss back to the staffer. We often can’t change the behavior of others, but we can adjust our approach toward them to create a more positive work climate.

The good news is that your development, resilience and continuous learning will be shaped and cultivated by many bosses over your career. And I’ll let you in on a secret: None of them will be perfect. About half of them will be especially challenging, not to you personally, but to your ego.

There are two strategies an employee can use to bypass the ego and relieve the pain of a micromanaging boss: Edit your story, and stop judging, start helping.

1. Edit your story to focus on the facts.

Stress is almost always caused by something other than reality. Stress is often caused by the story we invented about our reality. Suffering begins when our ego takes over and furiously generates a story to protect its safe place as the victim, producing shortcuts and excuses to justify our situation. The best way to bypass the ego, eliminate the story and get to the facts is to use an “edit your story” technique. This tool works by asking you to reflect on and extract only the facts in your story. The details you know to be absolutely true.

In the above example, when I asked the staffer to edit her story, she uncovered a few benevolent facts:

• Her boss calls to find out a project status and sometimes asks follow-up questions.
• Her boss sometimes redirects her work.
• Her boss asks her questions that she believes he could easily find or should already know the answer to.

This process highlights that when we assign a negative motive to reality, we create a story and unhelpful emotions erupt. This staffer’s stress and belief didn’t come from who the boss was, it emerged from the story of who she created her boss to be. And this habit of thinking with the ego perpetuates itself through “co-creation” of our environment. Co-creation occurs when you think of him as a micromanager, then you’ll respond in an evasive way and withhold information as if to distance yourself from the scrutiny, which in turn gives him more reason to be highly directive in his leadership style.

Related: The 8 Most Common Leadership Interaction Styles

2. Stop judging, start helping.

The truth is, at times your boss will be lacking in skill set, and the minute you choose to linger with a judgmental mindset, you won’t be helping your boss or yourself.

We are all human and have our flaws, and if you are willing to get honest with your daily efforts, you should be able to identify times at work when maybe you’ve also stepped in too much or too soon. First, find a neutral perspective in this situation and use the opportunity to figure out how you can help things run smoother in the office. Second, before you complain about your boss or manager, first make sure this situation isn’t due to your own lack of performance or accountability. Blaming others for your circumstances feels like a tempting path of least resistance, but it won’t lead you to your desired destination. Your highest potential arises in finding opportunities in the midst of your challenges. Your situation or circumstances might be out of your control, but your mindset and outlook isn’t.

Want to be noticed at work? Focus on how you can make a positive impact despite a less than perfect manager.

So how do you help a boss whom you believe micromanages you?

• State your goal. Express your desire to work more independently toward the purpose of your team or organization. Ask what you can provide your boss to achieve this.
• Ask great questions to gain clarity. “What could I do to provide you more clarity in my work to reduce the amount of daily phone calls? What details can I make more available so you have the information you need to make your job easier?”

Editing your story, eliminating judgment and focusing on how you can help in your work environment has positive consequences—peace and success. You might just learn that your boss, while human and imperfect, is a pretty decent person, and just like you, is trying to do his or her best work.

Related: 10 Ways to Get (and Stay) Happy at Work

The post How to Survive a Micromanaging Boss appeared first on SUCCESS.

Chances are you can’t—and you wouldn’t be alone in your response. The truth is, navigating conflict at work is more common than most of us realize. It takes up a great deal of time and energy that could be used in more productive ways. Yet we allow it to get the best of us. And for what?

Related: Hate Office Drama? Stop Reacting to It

Conflict can kill team morale and cost companies millions of dollars each year in lost productivity. Ultimately, this creates a precarious situation for the company’s bottom line and could put your own job in jeopardy, whether you are a top manager in charge of revenue or an employee who is wasting time dealing with the drama directly. Either way, you are faced with a tough situation that’s a losing battle as long as you allow such drama into your work environment.

My advice? Go straight to the source and stop drama in its tracks so that you can devote your time and energy to more constructive efforts at work. But before that can happen, you must understand where it all stems from.

For many, workplace conflict is highly personal. In essence, most believe that personality clashes or co-worker incompetencies are to blame for their issues. But I struggled to believe that theory to be true. How would you ever reach a true solution to this problem? You can’t change people overnight, there had to be more to it.

After years of speculation on this topic, I decided to go deeper and conduct some research on what the true source of workplace conflict could be. The results proved very interesting, as the root cause of conflict was determined to stem from a lack of clarity in the workplace rather than personal issues. In fact, teams in conflict reported much higher levels of ambiguity in three categories of work: team goals, roles and procedures. So, while it’s tempting to place blame or point the finger in challenging times, there isn’t really anything personal about workplace conflict. If you back up and look at the facts, a lack of clarity in our direction and behavior is what’s truly to blame.

To end conflict and create a more peaceful, productive work environment, consider the following techniques:

1. Do a reality check.

A great deal of the conflict we encounter is manufactured in our own minds. When faced with conflict, we tend to quickly move from the bare facts of the situation and create our own mental story that portrays us as helpless victims. Get back to the facts of the situation by editing out anything that you can’t absolutely know to be true. When faced with conflict, ask yourself, What is the next action I could take that would add the most value to the situation? Place your energy into that action.

2. Understand your motives.

Would you rather be right or happy? To be right involves others seeing you as competent, correct, and approving of you and your work. To be happy is to have achieved the goals at hand and to enjoy the results of your efforts. Pray that you may be released from your need for love, approval and appreciation. Without those motives, you can lead others to avoid conflict and achieve goals.

3. Lead by example.

The only thing missing in a meeting or situation is that which you are not contributing. Get rid of your double standards and stop expecting others to excel in areas that you yourself have not yet mastered. Come from a more objective place that does not stem from blame, negativity or ambiguity, and encourage the same among your team.

4. Keep an open mind toward others.

When faced with different personalities at work, attempt to see through their behaviors in order to identify their needs or goals. Ask yourself, What are they striving for? Once you identify their goal, ask yourself, How could I help them achieve their goal? As long as it’s ethical, depersonalize the situation, stop the judgment and move forward.

5. Offer a higher perspective.

Learn to sense when conflict is brewing and be prepared to move quickly to a professional perspective by bringing the group back to the common goal. Keep it neutral and help them refocus as needed.

In times of conflict, what your team needs most from you is not your agreement, investigation, explanation or even your empathy. They need you to step up and help them see their circumstances differently so that they can create better results. Yes, it takes time and courage to tackle these issues head on, but in the end it will enable your team to be more productive and effective, creating a healthier bottom line for your organization.

Related: 5 Strategies for Overcoming Conflict

The post 5 Tips to End Workplace Conflict Once and For All appeared first on SUCCESS.

Once their initial shock wears off, I go into more detail. While it is never appropriate to favor employees based on illegal or inappropriate biases such as our own vanity—wanting them to be the same as us, or the obvious inappropriate criteria pertaining to race, life preferences, physical abilities or religious affiliation—it is more than appropriate (and legal) to differentiate employees based upon the effort and value they lend to the organization’s ongoing success.

If this approach sounds a bit unorthodox, it’s probably because it is, but only at the expense of great results. You see, a great number of leaders have a tendency to pretend that all employees are created equal and are delivering equal results and value to the organization, when the reality is quite different. There are actually several different kinds of employees within any given office—each one very different from the next. Many employees in today’s workforce fall into one of the three following categories:

1. Resisters

Unfortunately, 20 percent of today’s workers live in a permanent state of resistance. Their worldview is that the universe is unsafe and that everyone is out to get them. They are skeptics and bring poor or ambivalent attitudes to their work and, subsequently, provide little value to the organization.

2. Maintainers

The other 60 percent of workers are in survival mode—I call it maintenance mode because they’re not being proactive or making constant improvements. Instead, they’re playing it safe. They get their work done, but they’re also counting down the days to the weekend. Your people in maintenance are not working against you—but their effort is often minimal and financially-driven.

3. Visionaries

Luckily, around 20 percent of workers in any given office are visionaries who are engaged, creative and present. These are the willing. They are personally accountable and look for opportunities everywhere. They look forward to coming to work and are your best people. They push for change and results.

For me, it’s simple. My “favorites” are those with vision who are willing to jump in, commit and say “yes” to the initiatives and direction of the organization.  By saying “yes,” they choose to buy in, engage freely, and are not resistant to change or the work at hand. For employees with this outlook, the sky’s the limit in terms of opportunity.

Once you consider the facts, it may seem like a no-brainer to make visionary employees your priority. But my research has found that, unfortunately, leaders and managers spend (on average) 80 extra hours each year thinking about and working with resistant employees. The average return on this hefty investment is, at most, 3 percent—not a great investment of your time. 

You see, if you focus your energy and attention on those who aren’t actively engaged, you are paying them to sabotage your plans. They will undoubtedly want attention, too, but you’ll have to teach them exactly how to get it. This is done by making an example of your visionaries. It’s OK to favor those who use their talents to work with, not against, your organization. Make it absolutely clear what gets attention from you, and your impressionable people in maintenance and resistance mode will start to go where the love is. When you work with a group of willing people—no matter how big or small—you will start to get results that make believers of others.

It’s important to keep in mind, however, that when given the chance to join the ranks of the willing, people will either join joyfully or not—and both decisions should be fine with you. It may mean that some team members will quit or look to other opportunities, but it will be the right employees making the change. And all the while, your most valuable people will remain happy and engaged and will get the credit they deserve.

As leaders, we must get very clear about what actions will create results for the organization and help propel our people to future success. Once we do that, it’s up to our teams to do the work and get the results needed to help them stand out from the crowd.

Check out 5 leadership clichés to ditch—now.

The post Why It’s OK to Play Favorites at Work appeared first on SUCCESS.

So if you have recently received less-than-desirable feedback from your boss, co-workers or clients, welcome the news! It may be tough to hear, but it is the very next thing to work on to propel yourself into the next level of success.

Struggling to get to that place of acceptance and abundance? The big question you must answer is whether or not you are willing to learn from the feedback. Decide if you are willing to wholeheartedly learn and grow and address the situation.

If your answer is no, get out now, because it will only get worse as you continue to try to justify, defend, manipulate or simply depend on time to get you through it. Get out, but know this—what we don’t welcome and address head on in our lives will reappear again until we get the lesson intended.

If your answer is yes, here are a few tips to help move you forward:

1. De-personalize the feedback.

Feedback is the main avenue toward growth. Yet when you first hear of a development need, it may come as a surprise. In the beginning, you may be totally unaware that there was a need for improvement at all.

But remember, defense is the first act of war. Commit to responding to the feedback with openness and willingness. Provide a response such as, “I would like to do whatever I can to change that and find a way forward” or “I have noticed that about myself, too. Can you help me with that?” Own your actions and demonstrate that you are ready to resolve it. Once you are at a point of gratitude for the feedback, you are in the growth zone.

2. Stop fighting the facts.

When faced with a setback, we tend to argue with the reality of the situation and begin to create our own story about our circumstances—a story that often features ourselves as the helpless victim with everyone else out to get us. Contrary to what we might believe, arguing with the facts of the situation is a complete waste of time, resources and energy. After all, it is not our reality that causes us stress; it’s the story we make up about our realities that causes us stress. When we are in our story, we read into the situation, assign motive and make assumptions about what’s happened—most of which is likely untrue and not rooted in reality.

Work, instead, to conserve your precious energy, understand the lesson at hand and respond in ways that will help, rather than hurt, your career. Be a lover of reality and take action to quickly improve your performance and rebuild your credibility.

3. Stay in your lane, aka focus on yourself.

In life, there are three lanes of traffic: your lane, others’ lane and reality’s lane. You have successfully gotten out of reality’s lane; now get out of other people’s lanes as well.

Focus on your actions, assumptions, choices, etc. and resist the need to point out how others were involved in the poor outcome. Focusing on others only slows your progress in learning the fullest sense of the lesson at hand. Get the most out of the experience by focusing only on what you can impact.

4. Reframe the situation.

If you generally believe that the universe is benevolent, then everything that happens to you can only be happening for your higher good.

Having once lost the contract of a lifetime, I was devastated. I simply couldn’t understand why it was happening to me—I had done everything right and yet the budget was cut. Within a few months, both my sister and mother got very ill and this would have been the same time I would have been out of the country for three months had the contract gone through. While it was terrible to see them sick, it proved to me that the universe definitely knows what is best.

The same is true when it comes to receiving feedback at work. Ask yourself to identify three positive reasons as to why this setback or “growing pain” might be happening in your life right now. Consider the possibility of a positive end result and get busy working toward it.

5. Drive for results and learning.

When faced with a major setback, many people are tempted to stick with their version of reality, digging in their heels and justifying why they were right and someone else was wrong. If you find yourself in this position, ask yourself, Would I rather be right or happy?

If your choice is that you would rather be right, know that you will be giving up great results and valuable learning for the privilege. When you decide that you are right and someone else is wrong, you immediately become righteous, seeking out only that feedback that continues to prove you are right, thus blocking out a ton of great information that could help.

If your choice is happiness, the great news is that results and learning tend to follow. Take accountability for the situation. By accounting for how you got here, you move from being a victim of circumstance to a professional who can account for the many actions and thoughts that led to the current results. What freedom! You can now take responsibility, learn the lesson, gain clarity on what to do differently and learn how to produce better results in the future.

When you are mining the experience for the greatest lesson, know that you are doing all you can to improve and develop. If you can learn to accept negative feedback as helpful, not hurtful, and adjust your reaction accordingly, you can rest assured that amazing things are in store for your career.

What if you’re the one giving the feedback? Check out 5 strategies to make the criticism constructive.

The post How to React to Negative Feedback at Work appeared first on SUCCESS.

But do you ever consider that maybe you could be the source of your own suffering? Yes, you. For some, this concept may be counterintuitive to how they view their situation—and that’s precisely the problem.

When the unexpected occurs, we may paint ourselves as the victim. But in doing so, we are wasting precious energy fighting our reality. Instead of accepting our circumstances for what they are and using our energy to move forward, innovate and problem-solve, we choose a more dramatic path that is completely avoidable.

The good news is that while we have the power to put ourselves into that position, we also have the power to remove ourselves from it. It all comes down to mindset and how we view the inevitable challenges that come our way. Will we be open to what’s happening and focus on what’s next, or will we allow it to drain us in the form of stress?

Here’s how to stop causing drama at work, improve your workplace and enjoy the peace that ensues:

Embrace reality to stop causing drama at work.

How long do you spend arguing with reality each day? Yes, we certainly have the right to express our frustrations, but will it actually make an impact?

For example, what if your management team enforced new processes to ensure better quality control measures and you didn’t agree? You could gossip with co-workers about how it will require more work or vent about why you believe it’s a waste of time, but will those efforts actually change anything? Are you adding value or just fueling the fire?

On the other hand, imagine a world in which you accepted your new circumstances and focused on how you could succeed within them. You would save yourself time and frustration, all while buying in wholeheartedly to the company’s changes and your new role. It’s a win for you both emotionally and professionally. So let’s stop the arguments with reality and, instead, use our energy to make a true difference.

Stop causing drama at work by silencing your story.

When faced with challenges, try to avoid panicking and jumping to conclusions that may or may not be true. Instead, focus on the facts of the situation by asking yourself questions such as, “What do I know for sure to be true in this situation?” or, “Without my story, what would I be doing to help?” Be sure you are reacting to what is actually happening rather than what you believe or think is happening. Once you are able to make that distinction, you can begin to see your circumstances through new eyes.

Focus on being happy, not right.

Choose to place your focus on finding happiness rather than on always being right to stop drama at work. To be right means that you are the judge of the world and you believe you know what is best no matter what. But if you are focused on being happy, you know that we must stop judging and start helping.

People and events will fall short of expectations and, at times, we may have to do more than our fair share. If you really want to find happiness, resist the urge to operate out of personal motive and do what you can for the greater good of the organization.

Remember, feeding into workplace drama is completely optional. At one point or another we will all face unexpected situations—the key is in how effectively we navigate them. Savvy employers know that the best team members are those who are, among other things, agile and adaptable. If you can exhibit those qualities and stop causing drama at work, you will go far—at work and in life.

This article was updated May 2023. Photo by PeopleImages.com – Yuri A/Shutterstock

The post Are You Causing Drama at Work? Here’s How to Stop appeared first on SUCCESS.